My Story...

It is said that people reach certain crossroads throughout their lives which dictate the direction that life will go. Well if that's the case then my life is replete with such crossroads for my life took very interesting turns, all starting around 1981.

Once I joined I did all of the regular Mormon things. I even went so far as to serve a full-time mission in Virginia from 1984 to 1986 (I even fell in love with another missionary while out there, but that's a story for another time!). I was involved in all of the regular programs, I had several jobs within the church during my time there, all the while believing that the church was exactly what I had been told it was. Now at this time I did know what the church's position on homosexuality was, and it certainly wasn't favorable. All it did was reinforce my self-denial to a point where on a certain sub-conscious level I had actually managed to convince myself that I wasn't gay. It was also at this time that certain neuroses began to surface. I started to feel physically sick a lot, and after a period of time I was diagnosed as being clinically depressed. My friendships suffered, especially with those male friends of mine whom I found attractive. I said that at a certain sub-conscious level I had managed to deny my sexual identity. While that was true, "a rose by any other name is still a rose," and at an even deeper level my sub-conscious knew that I was indeed gay! Imagine the conflicts that came out of that!!! As my brain tried to reconcile these two conflicting ideas I found myself needing something out of a male/male relationship. I tried to force my friendships to fit my needs only to see those friendships utterly fail, and as this continued my depression grew even deeper. It was at this time that I became friends with a really great Christian man and his fiancé who were non-denominational. They educated me in areas where I needed it and at the time helped me to realize what Christ's mission on this Earth was all about. They really got me thinking about the idea of "grace." I suppose at the time it was necessary for me to view God's plan in those terms. Since that time my views on God and Jesus have evolved, but I'll address that later. One thing is certain though. Jesus's mission was to not to tell us how many hoops we have to jump through to please God, rather it was simply to put us in touch with God and to show that God is the creative, conscious, embodiment of love. "For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life. For God did not send his Son into the world to condemn the world, but to save the world through him." (John 3:18-19 NIV) That's what Christ's mission on Earth was all about, to tell us that God love us more than we can know. If I may use some archaic terms, we are already saved. We were saved before any of us were even born. That is how great God's love for us is. "But when the kindness and love of God our Savior appeared, he saved us, not because of righteous things we had done, but because of his mercy. He saved us through the washing of rebirth and renewal by the Holy Spirit, whom he poured out on us generously through Jesus Christ our Savior, so that, having been justified by his grace, we might become heirs having the hope of eternal life." (Titus 3:5-7 NIV)

Well anyway, after believing at the time that Jesus had already saved me from my sins you would probably think that I was ready to come out, yes??? Well, no. I still had a lot of baggage and layers of denial to work through. Deep down inside I knew that I had always felt attracted to men, but through self-denial I had always tried to rationalize it into something more socially acceptable. It wasn't until July 24, 1993 did I finally start to question myself. I went to a concert here in Phoenix and sitting in front of me was a very attractive gay couple in their late twenties. They had done nothing that really advertised the fact that they were a gay couple, but I could tell. (See??? Even though I was in denial at that time I already had an active gaydar!!!) There was something in the way that they related to each other that made me realize that they were more than just good friends. It was then that I felt an unexpected emotion: envy. I found myself very envious of the fact that they had this closeness and I began to realize that this was the "something" that I had been searching for in my life. The following months saw me do a lot of soul searching and praying to figure out who I was. I knew at this point however that no matter what conclusions I came to, I had God's acceptance. Then starting in November I began to go on blind dates with different gay men that I met through romance ads. I told them up front that I wasn't sure about myself and I was quite relieved to learn that they understood exactly where I was coming from. They were all very nice and simply encouraged me to be honest with myself. They never forced themselves or their feelings on me, so of course the idea of gays trying to recruit others into the gay community is utterly ridiculous!!! Then in January of 1994 my answer finally came to me.

In January I became friends with a really great guy named Dan. We met on a blind lunch date and instantly hit it off. Over the weeks to come we would get together for coffee, concerts. etc. While we never became a couple, we had a very good friendship. It wasn't until January 22 that everything would fall into place. Dan called me up to tell me that he and his best friend were going to go bar hopping that night and asked if I would be interested in tagging along. With great anxiety I said yes. Now up until this time I had several preconceived notions as to what gay bars and clubs were like. I was more than pleased to see how wrong I was. We ended up at one dance club that was really fantastic. The club is no more, but my memories most definitely remain. While Dan and his friend decided to go out and dance I was looking around when an unusual couple at the bar caught my eye. It happened to be that very same couple I had seen sitting in front of me at the concert the previous July! What I saw them doing absolutely melted my heart. They were sitting at the bar just holding hands. Then they got up, held each other in their arms, kissed each other (rather passionately), and then walked out holding hands. That's when I knew. They were sharing with each other the very thing that I was looking for. At that very moment I knew beyond any shadow of a doubt; I'm a gay man!!! I went home that night in a rather joyous mood because it was then that all of the questions that I had been asking about myself were finally answered. Everything in my life finally made sense. I realized why I treated my friends the way I had been and why I would get so depressed when my male friends got into relationships with their newly found girlfriends. Everything made so much sense that it didn't take much energy to realize that I had ALWAYS felt the way that I did, and it was only because other people told me that being gay was so bad that I buried my feelings and tried to be the kind of person others wanted me to be. Once free of that I knew that I didn't choose to be gay. "Being gay" chose me.

Well I'm now 46 years old and it's been over thirteen years since I came out of the proverbial closet, and I'm truly enjoying what God has to offer me. In 1994 I started attending a church for gays and lesbians called Gentle Shepherd MCC. Out of that church grew the Community Church Of Hope.

Up until June of 2003 I even played with the Community Church Of Hope Praise & Worship Team as their lead guitarist (I've been singing and playing guitar for over 30 years, with four of those years studying classical guitar.) which had been absolutely wonderful for me as it gave me an opportunity to give back to God the very thing I was so richly blessed me with, namely a love and talent for music. Why did I leave? A person's spiritual journey is fluid and never ending. I knew that my path did not end there and in July of 2004 I found myself with a new church home, First Congregational United Church of Christ. Even now I'm participating musically in various capacities and I'm very excited as to what the future (and God) holds in store for me and my musical contributions!

On a side note (if I may), you'll notice in the pictures below (and in the Photos page) that whenever I'm playing guitar that I have my shoes off. In fact, I'm sure you've noticed that in most of my pictures I have my shoes off. Let me address the shoeless performance pictures first. The truth of the matter is that when I started performing I used to have terrible stage fright. It would get so bad that I would forget the words I was supposed to sing and forget which piece of music I was working on. Imagine my embarassment when the praise team was performing one song and out of a bad case of nerves I would sing a completely different set of lyrics that just happened to sound like the song everyone else was doing! Oddly enough, I found that playing with my shoes off would ease my stage fright so that I was able to perform without any difficulties. Now even though I haven't really had that bad a problem with stage fright lately I still pretty much continue to perform music shoeless. I also work with some sound equipment which utilizes some tricky foot pedals and switches, so now I'm almost forced to play without shoes on just so I can use all of my special guitar effects.  As for the rest of the pictures, well let's just say that I actually ENJOY not having any shoes on! However that's my second "coming out story." If you want answers to that just go to my OTHER website at Ben's White Sock Page. I hope that answers any questions...

I've also been able to come out to my family (Would you believe that my youngest brother is also gay?) and they have been completely supportive. Now I won't lie. I realize that not all families will react the same way as mine. I have gay friends whose families haven't exactly been accepting. All I know is that for some reason God blessed me with a truly wonderful family, and I love them all deeply. I've also managed to come out to my friends here in Arizona and they have all been fully accepting. I also had the immense blessing of meeting my husband at Community Church Of Hope as well. My mother has even met him and thinks he is just fantastic!!! We've been together for over ten years now, and on October 19, 1997, we had our Holy Union and considered ourselves married. Well to celebrate our 11th "Wedding Anniversary" we went to California and on October 20, 2008 we got ourselves legally married! Regardless of any propositions or amendments banning same-sex marriage that might come up in the future I know that I was legally married to the man I love and nothing can take that away from either of us!!!

There are a few people who have asked me if I chose to be gay. My answer is always the same; no. They then ask that if I could have chosen it, would I have??? Now I know that a lot of people would say no because of all of the social difficulties that come from being gay. Believe me I know exactly where they are coming from. My life the past ten years hasn't exactly been a walk in the park for me. I have had more than my share of heartache in my life so it would be perfectly understandable if I were to say that I wouldn't choose this lifestyle if I could. HOWEVER, given all of the experiences that I've gone through (experiences which are unique to being gay), I would have to say that I wouldn't trade these for anything in the world. What I have gone through has helped to shape me into the person that I am today, and I can safely say that if I had been born a heterosexual that I would not be as good a person as I am currently. That might sound somewhat egotistical, but it's true. I would have taken many things for granted in my life. However the experiences that I've gone through have been some of the most valuable any person could ever hope to have, and those things that I would have taken for granted, again had I been born a heterosexual, I now truly appreciate and treasure, especially my relationship with God. I'm happier now than I've ever been in my life, and that happiness has come from God. Earlier I mentioned that my views on God and Jesus have evolved. I had also said that a person's spiritual journey is fluid and never ending. One of the things that Keith and I both learned in our spiritual walk together is that God really is infinite. We here it all the time in all sorts of different religious beliefs, but to fully understand the infinite nature of God is something that can only be experienced. As a result our spiritual journey has changed to constantly adapt to our ever growing understanding and relationship with God, and along with our growing relationship with God has come a different understanding and appreciation for Jesus. Again this is something that probably would not have ever occurred had I been born straight instead of gay. As a straight man I probably would have accepted whatever religious dogma was being fed to me, but as a gay man I was forced to think "outside of the box" in understanding both myself and God. After all, God is infinite and just can't fit in a box. For as long as we live we will never arrive at our destination in our relationship with God, but then it's not about the destination. It's really about the journey itself. This is where our spiritual walk together has taken us. Keith and I have worked hard to achieve this level of spirituality in our relationship, and while it hasn't always been without its share of "speed bumps," it is because of our relationship with each other through God that we've been able to work through any issues that might come our way. I share this with you because if God can bless me this richly, then God can bless you too. It is my hope and prayer that you seek God and find the same quality of happiness as I have found. "But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well." "Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives; he who seeks finds; and to him who knocks, the door will be opened." (Matthew 6:33 and 7:7-8 NIV)

May God's blessings go with you.